Many people have asked how I am doing, or how Dylan is doing, etc. Mark and I have a hard time smiling and saying, "Oh, good" every time. It really kills me to smile and make this new life sound glorious because I am such an honest person. I know that I will probably offend or have some upset people after reading this post, but I thought it is only honest and fair to tell how we are really doing. I know that Mark has not told anyone, even his family, because I'm sure he doesn't know if I am comfortable with it, but I will explain it to everyone then. We went to my doctor on Monday for my first postpartum visit. To make a long story short, while there I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I know what some of you are thinking, and no, I am not miserable about Dylan in any way. This is more just the stress and hormonal changes that have caused this. I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat everyday. If I eat anything, it's a good day. It's a really good day if I eat and don't get upset stomach, but that rarely happens and I am having horrible stomach pains all of the time. I weighed 162 lbs. when I delivered Dylan, and now weigh 127 lbs. Sounds great, but I know that losing that much weight within such a short amount of time is not healthy. I think a major part of the problem is adjusting to this life while feeling completely alone. My family and friends live in Dallas, and Mark does not come home until extremely late at night since they are stripping cotton. By the time he comes home and takes a shower, it is usually midnight. He sleeps, and then leaves again in the morning. He does try to help me at night sometimes with feeding and changing Dylan, but I even feel guilty then, because he is pulling such long hours. I know that he feels stuck in the middle between needing to be at work or needing to be with me and Dylan. I am just trying to get through the days and hopefully, he will be home more often soon enough. The doctor put me on antidepressants immediately and I am to see a therapist once a week now, for at least a month. (She doesn't take insurance and let's just say she is extremely pricey for each session.) It is difficult for me to decide to spend that kind of money on myself, but I know if it were someone in my family, like Mark, the cost would not matter to me. So, I am doing everything recommended because I want to get better and be happy Mommy with my sweet baby!
I know that this is something that a lot of women go through and many do not discuss it. It was a hard decision for me to even let anyone know, but I think others might appreciate reading it if they are going through the same thing, or may experience it. I have always thought of myself as a very strong person and if someone can do something, so can I. Turns out, I need help and I am doing everything to get the correct help because I love love love my baby. There are many other factors going on right now that led to this diagnosis, but I thought I would only touch on a few, just to let everyone know.